IC Voicemail

[evowhisperer]

 *There's nothing but a long silence after the ringing stops. If the caller's been looking at their screen, there are plain black-and-white letters on display:*

Please leave a message after the beep.

*Beep.*

Comments

[dead_black_eyes]

[Lazarus kneels to help. Since getting surgery on his tendons and actually getting usable, somewhat dexterous hands again, he tends to jump at chances to use them.]

I would hope so... considering they were brothers, to leave him behind would be both strange and callous. Did the fact that the nanite was inside him complicate matters, though? To your knowledge? How would that be isolated from a human being?

[evowhisperer]

*Cesar shrugs.*

{There wasn't much time to tell. Lots of people tried to stop him from leaving, and the memory is too vague to guess why. Maybe they wanted the nanite. Maybe they just didn't trust my Other.}

*The lasagna has begun to smell good, and as he passes the oven he glances inside; not much time left, now. He puts the fruits he's carrying back in the bowl, and turns back to L while he waits.*

[dead_black_eyes]

That tends to be how business with Pulses goes. We only get part of the picture, snapshots of a life we're supposed to be able to use.

[He places the few pieces he's gathered into the bowl alongside the fruit Cesar's already placed there.]

I'm lucky. Misa and Nathan's others are both from the same world as mine, so... we've been able to piece together more than most people by merit of comparing and speaking with one another about it.

lskjdf I hadn't realized it'd been this long for this thread

[evowhisperer]

{That sounds convenient. I seem to go months between my own echoes. A lot of things are still very unclear.}

*Cesar picks up the canteen again, and this time he simply shakes it by hand for a few seconds before pouring it out again. It's less mixed than the previous batch, and he only sips his glass this time.*

*cuddles*

[dead_black_eyes]

Convenient?

[He laughs, the sound wavery and a little overwhelmed.]

Something like that. It's almost like whiplash sometimes, to be honest. Months wouldn't be unwelcome, if only for a break. Or getting echoes back that aren't traumatic or don't point to worse things about my Other, but the more it goes on the more I'm convinced he was some kind of psychopath.

*cuddles back*

[evowhisperer]

*His eyebrows pinch together.*

{This is a change from the way you used to admire him. Are the echoes really that bad?}

[dead_black_eyes]

It is a change... I used to want to be as good as him. Now I'm just kind of hoping that I don't up as bad. I have trouble with expressions, sometimes, but... I think he didn't even have a concept of empathy, and that scares me.

[He leans against the counter, staring at an indeterminate spot over the sink.]

Even if it's hard, I think empathy is something humans need. Not only an ability to see consequences, but a concern for them. Without it, I'm not sure how much of the human actually remains.

[evowhisperer]

*No concern for consequences...? Cesar first thinks about the way his copy kidnapped Nathan, but the second thought is much louder, and he's looking at the drawer where the notebooks had once been stored.*

{Yes. People without empathy are monsters, if they don't keep themselves in check. For what it's worth, I don't think you have anything to worry about.}

*The bottle if tequila is still next to him. He could add more to his drink if he just reached out...*

[dead_black_eyes]

[Lazarus' eyes glance in the direction of the drawer, and he chews his lower lip, snapping his gaze back when Cesar begins signing.

He nods, then holds out a hand for the bottle.]

I've quit so many times, but unfortunately, it's not something that gets better with practice. Can I...?

[evowhisperer]

*He hands him the bottle and puts his drink down to sign.*

{What do you mean, quit?}

[dead_black_eyes]

[Lazarus turns the bottle in his hands for a few beats before raising it and taking a small swig.]

Um... I mean just what it sounds like. My problems tended to be with harder things than alcohol, but it's all a part of the same big tangled web of trying to escape life's difficulties. The problem with quitting is that the problems are still there, they're just louder, so... I don't like to say that I'm a recovering alcoholic or addict. I'm just recovering, period.

[evowhisperer]

*Oh. This isn't something he knew. Except, in its own way, it fits in perfectly with the man, doesn't it? Lazarus was 'recovering'. His copy, on the other hand, had been... relapsed.*

*Cesar is determined not to think of the other man (pressing against his back, arms twining around him and touching in ways meant to provoke--), and he shakes his head slightly, eyes dropping briefly to the oven. It's almost done. He looks back at L.*

{I'm glad you're trying. Should I put that away when you're here?}

[dead_black_eyes]

No... I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, if you are. It's a mess I got myself into when I was trying to self-medicate for other issues, and it's had a lot of power over me, but part of recovering is shaking that control off. The world has bad things and vices in it, and I can't live a full life and expect to avoid them. The problem isn't the alcohol, or the heroin or cocaine or whatever, it's me. Fixing it starts from the inside-out, as cliche as that sounds. And I'm working really hard on that.

Does it smell good?

[He glances back at the oven.]

[evowhisperer]

*'Do you like the new and improved me?' The last two weeks have been enough to stain his opinion of both Lazaruses, but these snippets of wisdom and self control alone have already gone a long ways towards gaining respect in Cesar's eyes. It shows restraint. When was the last time the doppelganger had any?*

*He looks back at the oven, then fishes up a pair of oven mitts. There's no way to sign once they're on, but he gives Lazarus a brief thumb's up, and the oven is open. Delicious aromas billow out of the space in a rolling cloud, and Cesar smiles.*

*Gloves off. The dish is on the stove.* {That smells amazing. Get plates? They're in that cupboard.}

[dead_black_eyes]

[Lazarus has hit rock bottom, and sometimes his gazes are distant and his smiles are just broken enough to hint at it. His doppelganger is a hurricane of a Mr. Hyde, a reckless study in unrepentant self-destruction, and no one suffering the brunt of it could possibly forget him soon.

He watches, hungrily and wistfully, as Cesar removes the lasagna from the oven. The gradual loss of his sense of smell was something he didn't care much about when he was upping and downing himself daily at will, snowblind and blinking. Now he regrets that he can only catch hints and notes, and only when others would call scents unbearably strong.

He goes quickly for the plates, fetching down two and setting them by the stove.]

I did some really, really stupid things after my entire childhood identity crashed and burned... but I want you to know that after putting it off for years, I recently got tested to make sure none of the stupid things I did with needles could hurt you.

[evowhisperer]

*It's like a game that children play, crushing a pair of rocks together and thinking they feel magnetic attraction after their hands have grown used to pushing. Everything feels a little off balance. Lazarus in front of him, not reaching for his belt and not trapping his hands to nibble enticingly. Something like nausea rises in his gut, but it's too light to really be the same.*

{You did?}

{I mean. Was there anything to find?}

*He already knows.*

[dead_black_eyes]

[Lazarus blinks, the question surprising him, and then he's quickly shaking his head.]

No... if they had, I would have told you right away. It concerns you. That being said, I still brought the results, in case you didn't believe me...

[He quickly reaches into his pocket for a folded series of lab results, with a long list of NEGs. There are also several deficiencies listed; it appears that Lazarus had a very thorough and exaustive amount of bloodwork done.]

Don't worry about the vitamin stuff, it's... really only the top that matters in regards to your own health risks.

[evowhisperer]

*Cesar takes the paper, and his eyes don't do more than brush the text. The print face is generic, just like every other blood test report of this kind, and yet each letter is stamped with the fact that Lazarus cared enough to have the tests done in the first place. The same message was carved into the absurd list from before. He can even read it in the way Lazarus' hand hadn't done more than brush his, lingering but holding back.*

*Part of him mewls that he's reading too much into all of this, but the rising need to grab Lazarus close in an all-consuming display drowns it out, and he's holding on by a thread.*

{I already knew.}

*... He doesn't want to wait.*

[dead_black_eyes]

[The signs are read ambiguously by Lazarus, conversely, and his pale brow furrows in response. He's hesitant to take more than he's been explicitly given when they're still on such tentative ground with each other; he's stated his intentions, read his list, confessed his sins and his steps toward redemption, and now the ball is in the other man's court.]

You... knew? About the tests, you mean?

[About the drugs? Another part of him worries that this is actually the case.]

[evowhisperer]

*He holds up the page briefly.* {No, that you were negative. I got myself tested after your copy--} *Got high and got fucked by his anonymous strangers? He lowers the paper up and hands it back, wondering if L knows everything that's actually happened.*

{Nevermind. Thank you for getting these tests. This means a lot to me. Thank you for--} *He's at a loss for words. For some reason all he can think of to say is 'the lasagna,' but L might not understand. He rakes his fingers through his hair. {Thank you...}

*His gaze pries into L's, begging him to understand. Whatever answer he finds isn't one he's satisfied with, and he spends a full second torn over what to do.*

*The solution turns out to be closing the distance between them, grasping L by the sides of his face, and pressing his mouth against his in a kiss that drowns out every other thought. It's a desperate, overwhelming gesture, and he trembles from the intensity.*

[dead_black_eyes]

[Lazarus spent some time chained to his doppelganger and subjected to a constant barrage of vicious, vindictive hints. When those had failed to get a satisfying rise out of him, the copy had transitioned to more targeted and explicit taunts, gleeful warnings about what Lazarus would later have to sort out or try to make his own peace with. It was a lot like being back in White Pines, except that Lazarus couldn't just dismiss them as paranoid delusions when they were quite real and extremely damaging. He's heard it before from his Doppel, but hearing it again from Cesar somehow brings it home and makes it dismally awkward and real.]

Ah, I... see.

[There's nothing else to say, is there? As a result of his copy's demented whims and recklessness, Cesar already knows these personal details about the original. He suspects it's just the tip of the iceberg, only the future is a dangerously mixed bag. Who's to suggest that the doubles and their originals are anything alike in bed? He nods briskly in response to Cesar's thanks, keeping his eyes on the other man only because it's necessary to read the signs. He wants to look away, retreat into himself for a second to consider all these minefield implications. But retaining eye contact seems to be more important to Cesar than perfect attentiveness to the signs, and while there is something important in those eyes, the ability to see the best way to win a chess game or a simple yet elegant solution to a complicated problem isn't much help to him in discerning its message.

Ambiguity is neatly eliminated from the equation when Cesar's hands are on him, boxing him into a Tequila-flavored, hungry kiss. He's too surprised to react immediately, and for a full second and a half, Cesar might as well be kissing a stiff and guarded mannequin. It's hard not to run mental lists and compare the kiss with one that's both familiar and strange.

The copy was gentler. Took everything slower. Asked for feedback, always restrained himself out of concern. The way Cesar presses into him now crushes his hipbone bruisingly against the counter, forcing him to brace a hand on its edge, and it occurs to him that he's probably seeing his own copy's technique and approach in practice.

Is this what he associates and expects now? Lazarus watches Sesame Street unironically, and his doppelganger has rough and anonymous sex with strangers in alleys.

His other hand goes to Cesar's shoulder, pushing gently; it isn't a gesture of rejection so much as one of reassurance, and the effect is increased by the fact that Lazarus does return the kiss. If there's a middle ground between being treated like a precious fragile doll and being ripped to pieces before orgasm, he's pretty sure that's his preference, and communicating it to Cesar doesn't need to require a list. If anything can be said for Cesar's copy, it's that he did encourage Lazarus to be assertive about such things.

It's OK. It's going to be OK. Tapered fingertips stroke delicately along Cesar's shoulder as he leans into the overwhelming, heavy affection. We want each other and that's been established; now let me establish that it's going to be different than the last time you were with someone who looked like me.]

[evowhisperer]

*The gentle assurances are nearly enough to undo him. As it is the shaking becomes continuous, and his mouth twists, and the only reason his eyes haven't spilled over is because they're wide and avoiding L's direct gaze. Hijodeputa, he's a mess. L won't mind will he? He said he wanted sex, and Cesar can give that to him. He knows what Lazarus' copy liked, so he can--shit, what if Lazarus likes something completely different? He's suddenly aware of the gentle push at his shoulder, and the way L is taking his time, and Cesar struggles to match him. That's fine. This is fine. He'll adapt.*

*He's still too lost in what's going on inside of him to back off completely, but the kiss softens to something manageable, and the counter isn't digging into the smaller man so much. If given a little more time he'll let up so that it's not pressing at all. Was that too fast? It was like something Lazarus' copy would have done. Where does that footprint end and Cesar's preferences begin? It's been long enough that Cesar doesn't know anymore, and a deep part of him worries: Lazarus can't stand his doppelganger. What if the traces left by him are too obvious?*

[dead_black_eyes]

[Cesar's trembling. It's impossible not to notice, and Lazarus ceases the gentle stroking for a firm squeeze at the other man's shoulder. He's in ruins, isn't he? He can tell by the way their mouths fit together, Cesar's lips tense where his own are relaxed. His eyes are avoidant and glistening, and L can understand why a lot of parts of this are difficult. He feels it, too, but more distantly; he did his best to amputate Cesar's doppelganger from his emotions around the time the creature hurt Tony.

If Cesar hasn't done that with L's double... or can't... it absolutely hurts, but L decides that he can choose not to hold it against Cesar. He's tired of being coddled, and he can be a source of comfort now instead of one of pain. It's a chance he practically jumps at, wrapping both arms around Cesar in a tight, sustained embrace once he has the space to. There's more to being a giving lover than just making sure the other person gets off, and he thinks he's beginning to realize what it consists of.]

Do you want to go to the couch?

[The questions's murmured against the other man's lips; this version of Lazarus has never even seen his room, and does not assume that's where they're going.]

[evowhisperer]

*Cesar's arms fold around him too, and almost immediately the man is hard in places he wasn't earlier. His face burns and he loosens his grip, though Lazarus' is enough to keep them close. Cesar smiles weakly.*

*This is good, isn't it? Cesar nods and takes Lazarus' hand as he leads him out of the kitchen, not even turning the oven off. It can wait.*

*The livingroom is still dark, but this doesn't seem to bother him. He sits down and draws L beside him (practically into his lap), reaching right away to cup the side of his face in another kiss. His face is still warm, but his hand is steady again.*